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Bullying
By Dr. Marvin
Berkowitz
There are numerous
harbingers of the changes of season. Birds flying north (in
the spring) or south (in the fall). Leaves changing on the
trees. New buds sprouting from the thawing ground. First
sunburns of the summer season.
And the constant barrage of advertisements for back to
school sales! This one clearly signals one of the most
significant annual seasons for many families…school is about
to re-open for another year.
This can bring joy to parents who suddenly will have partial
daily freedom and a regular routine (although with the
seemingly endless list of “no school” days, that routine
often feels anything but regular). Or sadness to parents
whose first child is trudging off to kindergarten for their
first day of school, with a backpack full of supplies that
weighs more than the child.
And to kids it also can be
a moment of joy (seeing friends after a summer apart;
learning fascinating information in a true caring school
community) or of trepidation and even fear.
Sadly, for many kids the
latter is the case. It is estimated that every day in
American 160,000 children stay home from school because for
them school is a toxic frightening environment. And that is
probably the tip of the iceberg as many more are at school
but wish they didn’t have to be, for the same reason.
I will guess that most if
not all of those students hate school because of the way
somebody is treating them. Bullying is likely at the heart
of this school phobia and hatred. And it is epidemic. And
global. It knows no boundaries of age, race, gender,
ethnicity, nationality, religion, etc.
And it is potentially
lethal. Bullying takes a mortal toll both through killing by
bullies and suicide by the victims who see no other way to
escape the torment. In fact such suicides have become so
common that there is now a term for them: bullycides.
But most bullying does not
result in death or even physical injury. Yet it is
psychologically brutal.
So as your children
prepare to return to (or begin) school, keep bullying on
your radar screen. This is not something to dismiss as “aw
kids will be kids. When I was your age….” This is serious
stuff, and especially from the perspective of the child
victim. Think back to when you were bullied (nearly everyone
has been at some time or other). I remember some older kids
taking my bicycle and smashing it in the playground. I still
remember it painfully over 40 years later. What do you
remember?
Most bullying experts
recognize that there are three roles in bullying: the bully,
the victim, and the bystander. The first two are obvious,
but most folks forget the third. And this is particularly
relevant to character.
I recall when my son was
in third grade that he told us of a boy whom he had
befriended on the playground. Apparently this boy was quite
overweight and consequently unpopular. My son felt bad for
his social rejection and deliberately made friends with him.
But he also told us that he defended his new friend when
others would bully him (typically about his weight). I was
extremely proud that my son, then only about 8 years old,
had the compassion and courage in his character to act this
way.
Another time a student
decided to make my son his bullying target. There seemed to
be no reason for this choice. We agonized with him over how
to deal with it. We talked to the teacher, but she has not
witnessed it. We called his parents and they were eminently
unhelpful. Ultimately a teacher witnessed the bully
threatening my son with a branch and the school intervened.
We need to teach our
children to know what bullying is, why it is wrong, and what
to do if they are bullied or witness bullying.
Most parents struggle
greatly with this when they discover that their child has
been bullied, has been accused of bullying, or has witnessed
bullying. A recent book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the
Bystander by Barbara Coloroso, offers help for
both parents and teachers. The first half describes the
three roles in bullying and the second half offers practical
guidance on how to break this cycle of violence. And it asks
some unsettling questions like “Is there a bully in the
house?” because bullies after all learn their craft from
somewhere.
Bullying is one of the
great destroyers of both schools and individual students and
it needs to be eradicated. What can be more powerful
evidence than Marie Bentham, an eight year old child who
hung herself with her jump rope because she couldn’t face
the bullies at school? Or Eric Harris and Dylan Kleybold who
committed the infamous Columbine High School massacre
because they had been bullied incessantly?
We cannot afford to wait
for others to solve this epidemic. Going back to school
should be joyous, not potentially lethal. Character can save
lives.
