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Power Trip
By Dr. Marvin
Berkowitz
Power and control are issues in all relationships, including
those between parent and child. So it’s helpful to examine how
power and control affect the way we raise our children, as well
as how these issues affect our children’s character development.
There is a continual tug of war going on within children as they
attempt to serve two basic needs: autonomy and “belongingness.”
Autonomy refers to the need to be independent, the need to
control one’s own life and behavior. Belongingness refers to the
need to be emotionally bonded to someone. And serving both
masters is a real challenge.
In order to serve autonomy, kids resist, challenge and defy. To
serve belongingness they agree and acquiesce. As a result, they
are often unpredictable and unfathomable. Nonetheless, it’s our
job as parents and adults to find our way through this
psych-minefield. And doing so requires reflection, insight,
compassion and self-sacrifice (not to mention patience). So, one
of the trickier tasks of parenting is learning how to wield
control appropriately. Perhaps it would be helpful if we were to
take a look at some reasons we sometimes fail to do so.
First there are instances when we are serving our own needs. For
example, maybe you have a need to have more control in your life
because your boss is oppressive. Or because you feel your spouse
has too much control in your relationship. To compensate, you
unintentionally “over-control” your kids.
Or perhaps you feel you didn’t love your parent(s) enough and
are afraid your children won’t love you. And because you’re
afraid to risk losing their love, you “under-control,” allowing
them to rule the roost.
Then there are theories under which parents sometimes operate,
theories they believe to be true but in reality aren’t. Some
folks believe, for instance, that physical punishment is the
most effective way to control a kid’s behavior. They’re wrong
but nonetheless, they believe it is so, and as a result, they
use corporal punishment in an attempt to force obedience.
Other parents believe that attempting to control kids at all can
“break their spirit.” So these parents allow their kids to have
their way much of the time. But these parents too are also
wrong. The truth is that kids want and need adults to set
reasonable expectations, limits and standards.
It’s not just unintelligent or uninformed parents who rely on
wayward parenting styles. for instance, I know a new mom who
happens to be a pediatrician and she can’t seem to find the
strength to say no to her infant son. I’ll even go so far as to
admit that I do the same thing occasionally, despite the fact
that I have a Ph.D. in child development.
Here’s the bottom line: Kids need parents establish rules and
hold the line. But those parents also have to be self-aware,
thoughtful and caring. And they have to recognize when it is
appropriate to let kids exercise control as well.
So for those of you who are afraid to take control remember
this: your child’s character depends on your ability to show
them the right path, all the while transmitting your values and
making them feel safe and protected. And to those of you who
over-control your children, remember that they need to learn to
be autonomous, to have reasonable control of their lives, and to
learn how to negotiate and collaborate with others.
How do you balance all of this? Ah, that is sometimes referred
to as the fine art of parenting, something that often doesn’t
come naturally.
Building good character is challenging. But it’s worth it.
