More columns by Dr. Berkowitz about teaching and modeling honesty:

Promises, Promises

Honesty is the Best Policy

A Tale of Two Errors

Ain't it the Truth

 

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Promises, Promises

By Dr. Marvin Berkowitz

Promises represent a commitment you make upon which others can rely. The expectation is that when someone says, “I promise,” you can count on the fact that whatever was promised will happen. It makes sense for us to help our kids understand the importance of promises because promise keeping is an important part of good character.

How do we do that? First, you must model it by keeping promises you make to your child and to others. (A little recommendation here: Let your kids in on what has happened because they are often unaware of promises kept unless we point them out.)

Secondly, you should discuss the importance of promise keeping with your children. You might also point out promises made and kept––or broken––in stories you read to them. And be sure to take the opportunity to point out the resulting consequences. You should also relate real-life experiences with which the children are familiar.

And thirdly, allow your children to reflect upon the challenges of promise keeping. Let them get their 2 cents worth in. After all, promising and promise keeping are complex concepts that are often confusing to children and for good reason. For instance, children are occasionally enticed into telling a secret because of the promise of confidentiality (“I swear I that won’t tell anyone. Cross my heart and hope to die!”), only to be hurt when the listener broke her promise.

Such discussions are important for other reasons as well. As kids continue to develop intellectually and emotionally their ability to understand the complexity of promise keeping changes. At the very beginning, the concept is not understood at all. Later, promises are understood as purely instrumental acts (“You should keep a promise in case you need a bigger promise from that person some day”). During the late elementary or middle school years, kids learn to understand promises as acts of mutual trust and social bonding. And eventually, they come to understand them as social contracts or moral obligations that bind people together.

Discussing your kid’s ideas about promises will let you in on his or her level of understanding and I guarantee that sometimes you’ll be surprised. I remember a high school boy telling me it wasn’t a good idea to keep promises because “a kid might make you promise to steal something from a store and if you do it, he might make you do even worse stuff later.” Not the standard understanding of promises, but it was his understanding, nonetheless. So, such discussions can stimulate growth and development of character.

So, think about promises and begin fostering the concept of promise keeping in your kids. It’s all a part of helping them develop good character.

I promise.