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The Welcome Mat
By Dr. Marvin
Berkowitz
Most parents can’t help but wonder about the friends their kids
drag home. It appears as though they go out of their way to find
friends who you thought exited only in your worst nightmare. You
know what I’m talking about here: kids who look or act weird.
(Some do both.) Kids dressed in things sane people don’t wear,
kids with spiked hair that defies the laws of gravity, kids who
boast of eight piercings––none of which are visible outside
their clothing––kids who are sullen, kids who use words you
don’t know and are afraid to look up… You know, kids who appear
not to be of human ancestry. In fact, some of your kids’ friends
are so terrifying it’s likely you’ve contemplated banning them
from your home.
Don’t.
As kids work to make and choose friends, they’re considering
aspects that you, as an adult, often can’t see or don’t
understand. In truth, many of your child’s friendships will be
short-lived, for if his friends are really antisocial or
misguided, it’s likely he will recognize that fact and jettison
the friendship on his own. It’s an old axiom that bad friends
usually manage to wear out their welcome.
Of course, one can’t wear out a welcome if he’s never had one.
So it’s your responsibility as a parent to welcome your
children’s friends into your home. Now, I don’t mean to suggest
that you are obliged to accept them non-judgmentally if they are
really hurtful or if they engage in dangerous behaviors. After
all, it’s your job to do all you can to protect your children
from danger. But if your kids’ friends are just different, if
they lack social skills, or if they’re merely acting on that
age-old adolescent need to shock adults, you should still make
them welcome in your home.
Keep in mind that it is very important to your children that you
accept their friends. Aside from the obvious, there is an often
unrecognized benefit for doing so: Psychiatrist Harry Stacks
Sullivan posits that an adolescent’s friends often play a
therapeutic role and on occasion, can even help solve their
emotional problems.
Even more important is the fact that modeling hospitality and
acceptance can have an important effect on your child’s
character. Samuel Oliner, in his study of Christian rescuers of
Jews during World War II, found that those who engaged in heroic
and dangerous acts tended to come from homes in which the
parents welcomed visitors, showing them both hospitality and
generosity.
As I frequently tell teachers with whom I work, it may well be
the kid you like the least who needs you most. In fact, it’s
possible that you might become the savior of a child your kid
drags home by simply offering him or her acceptance.
By adapting an old African proverb, one might say it takes a
village to raise a child…of character. And by taking your
responsibility as a member of the village seriously, you are
helping to build your child’s character while simultaneously
contributing to the character of their friends.
