More columns by Dr. Berkowitz about peer pressure:

Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll, Part 1: Sex

 

Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll, Part II: Drugs

 

Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll, Part III: Rock 'n Roll

 

Who Do They Talk To?

 

Hell's Peers

 

Big Kids, Little Kids

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Who Do They Talk To?
By Dr. Marvin Berkowitz
 

One of the interesting changes in childhood is the shift from parent to peer influence. Kids start turning more to peers for advice, counseling, solace, etc. and less to their parents. But this is not a simple shift.

Some of the time they talk to parents and other times to other kids. More importantly, a lot of this depends on what they are talking about. When kids are asked whom they would ask for advice on various topics, their answers vary both by their age and by the topic.

For instance, kids never think that other kids are good sources of factual information. But they sure think that kids know the most about contemporary culture (like which music or dance is preferable, or what movie to go to). And they tend to stick with parents for advice about morality and politics and religion.

Fortunately for us and for them moral issues have much more significance than which type of denim is most fashionable or which gel works best to make you look like a porcupine in heat.

But all of this varies by the quality of the relationship between parent and child as well. Even for the same kid.

My son, for instance, is much more likely to talk to my wife (who coincidentally also happens to be his mother…small world, eh?) than to me about difficult issues (a friend’s mental health, his own misbehavior, sex, etc.). I tend to be a much more formidable presence than her (but looks can be deceiving!).

One reason that all of this is particularly important is highlighted by a recent report from the National Household Survey on Drug Abuse, 14-15 year olds were asked to identify whom they would turn to for help or advice if they had a serious problem. They also reported whether they used alcohol or not.

Of those who report that they would talk to no one if they had a problem, nearly a quarter report that they use alcohol. About one fifth of those who would turn to a peer use alcohol. Only a tenth of those who said they would turn to a parent or other adult reported that they use alcohol.

In other words, kids who would turn to a parent for advice or help with a serious problem are far less likely to use alcohol than those who would turn to a peer (or no one) for such assistance.

Keeping the lines of communication open with your kids is critical in lots of ways. It helps promote a healthy relationship in general. But it also gives them a support system for problems. And, as this study shows, it is related to less risky behavior.

So work on those communication channels. Keep them open. For the sake of your relationship with your kid and for the sake of your kid’s welfare and character.